


No one's fault but fate's

by milky_toast_06



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bokuaka - Freeform, Falling In Love, Fate, Feelings, M/M, One Sided Love, One-Sided Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Rejection, Romance, akaashi doesnt understand love, akaashi feels intense emotions, akaashi has intense feelings, akaashi keiji - Freeform, bokuto koutarou - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27524338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milky_toast_06/pseuds/milky_toast_06
Summary: After all, he had known since day one; he was loveless, unlovable, and completely undeserving of any form of affection or kindness. Be it in the form of friendship or kinship, or even relationships...and it didn’t matter that when his eyes lay upon a certain boy, his heart filled with hope. It didn’t matter that he’d harboured a crush on that same boy for so long.What mattered was that he knew that he was hated by life itself, and nothing, not a change of grades or one of the most popular boys in school, was going to change that.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Kudos: 10





	No one's fault but fate's

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if the characters appear out of character. I've never written fanfiction for anime before and I also don't have a beta reader because...I don't know why, I guess, but yeah. either way hope y'all like it <3

Akaashi had known since day one; he was loveless, unlovable, and completely undeserving of any form of affection or kindness. Be it in the form of friendship or kinship, or even relationships. Akaashi had lived like this all the while, alone in school, living apart from his family, and doing his best to keep himself from reaching for a shot at love. 

But it was fine--or at least, it had been. Akaashi had always been the nerd, well...perhaps the attractive nerd, but still the nerd, nonetheless. Maybe that was how he’d grown to believe that no one would ever truly love him beyond his looks. Girls from other classes who he barely knew tried to chat with him--or maybe it was seducing him. He didn’t know for sure. After all, it would have definitely been the heart of all conversations if the school found that the attractive nerd had finally developed a life outside books and studying. 

Not to mention his family was of absolutely no help. Being an only child, all of his parent’s unfulfilled dreams and expectations had been thrust unto him. For years, he carried the burden of broken dreams and unbelievably high hopes for him on his shoulders, and slowly but surely, it began to wear him down. Little by little. And it was not wrong to say it was largely his parent’s fault. Not that they’d ever hit him, or physically abused him, but they did cause quite a few problems for his mental and emotional wellbeing. Developing anxiety as a result was hardly a surprise for Akaashi. 

So yes, Akaashi had known since day one; he was loveless, unlovable, and completely undeserving of any form of affection or kindness...yet, when his eyes lay upon a certain boy, his heart filled with hope. 

Still, he had to be logical. Why would one of the most popular boys at school take notice of him? Other than his grades and reputation, there was hardly anything that compelled anyone to Akaashi. Besides, in their hetero-normative society where it was taboo to be attracted to anything other than girls for guys, he knew he stood even less of a chance. 

So he kept it to himself and nobody else. He let his heart fill with not just hope, but another foreign feeling he couldn’t recognise. The feeling in his heart that had once been just a little crush hurt; it ate him inside out and threatened to overwhelm him. That was all inside him, however, on the outside, it just showed the image of a quiet, studious, reserved and serious boy. Maybe if his grades had slipped a little, then a few more heads would’ve turned, but no. Not once did he allow his grades to fall below his usual standard.

Then the last day of school came. All this while, Akaashi had only ever been quiet about how he felt towards Bokuto, but now that he was going to leave anyway, the logical side of his brain told him it couldn’t hurt to just confess. The perpetual frown on his face relaxed. Perhaps then he could understand the foreign feeling he couldn’t recognise, perhaps then he could move on.

Perhaps then, just perhaps, he could feel love, and be loved.

Or perhaps it should’ve just stayed in his imagination. Now, as the entire hallway slowed to catch snippets of what was happening, Akaashi stared blankly at Bokuto so as to not appear too nervous. Akaashi had just taken his leap of faith and confronted Bokuto about his feelings. A hum came from the latter’s lips. 

“You know, Akaashi, I've been wondering…” Akaashi lifted his line of vision a little, his heart thumping so hard in his ears he could feel it all the way in his fingertips, and in the soles of his feet. The ceiling light seemed too bright as Akaashi waited for his senior’s answer. 

A long stretch of silence followed from where Bokuto had trailed off. Students on either side of the hallway began whispering among themselves, and to Akaashi, they sounded like the persistent dripping of water from the leaking pipe in his sink.

“...do you really think that people in this school are interested in you beyond just wanting to fuck you? And use you for clout?” Akaashi’s eyes shot right up, a faint trace of surprise across his face. 

“I’m aware,” Akaashi answered almost immediately, his expression detached and almost nonchalant, but it stung. The truth always stung. Bokuto put a finger to his lips, possibly wondering how to phrase it in a way that wouldn’t hurt the other boy too much. 

“Hm, well...it’s not that i dislike you, but...how should i put it?” Heat began to fog up his vision, and Akaashi shut his eyes momentarily, before opening them again. 

“Anyone who says they’re interested in me romantically, beyond wanting to fuck me, is full of bullshit,” Akaashi attempted to help Bokuto finish what was so hard for him to say, his monotone voice hardly letting any emotion other than indifference. “Am i right..?” Bokuto paused for a second, then nodded. 

Silence descended upon everyone like a carpet, like the darkness that came with the setting of the sun in the distance. The students in the hallway stopped their whispering, students strolling by came to a halt. Akaashi stared blankly at Bokuto, a swirl of anger, disappointment, and that foreign feeling he’d yet to recognise, swimming around in his chest. 

He wanted to cry in defeat, and scream, and yell, and beat the shit out of absolutely anything in frustration. For the first time in his life, he wanted friends. He wanted friends to stand up for him, and to stand by him through the experience. Friends to be there to encourage him and help him. After all this, after he’d mustered all his courage to confess, and come out, in front of the whole school, all alone, this was the outcome; complete embarrassment and utter humiliation. 

Perhaps on any normal day, he’d think of it as a humbling experience, but not today. Akaashi knew he was almost at his limit; just one more push and tears would be falling from his eyes. So he nodded in response to Bokuto’s answerless answer. 

After that, Akaashi vaguely recalled walking briskly towards the bathroom. Fast enough to get him there such that his tears wouldn’t see the light of day, but slow enough to not raise any eyebrows. His fingers were in fists by his side, his whole face one of concentration. 

He couldn’t cry. Not yet. He knew his parents would disapprove for sure. For being “not straight”, for not “being a man”, for being a total dumbass for thinking that someone would love him back. Even for the most reserved and serious people, they had their moments. 

Moments where everything was just not right, moments where it felt like their whole world was collapsing upon them, moments where it seemed like everything would forever remain the mess it was. 

He locked himself in a bathroom stall, and turned to lean his back against the door, tears finally slipping through his shut eyes. Akaashi felt his heart crack, like it was being forcibly ripped out of his body, torn apart, then stuffed back into his chest once again. It felt awful. Everything felt awful. His entire life, everyone had said that it was only when he knew love, that he could find happiness, but as Akaashi came to realise, it was only when he saw the sorry look on Bokuto’s usual cheerful face yet still felt yearning that he knew, that he felt love like that. He loved Bokuto, but what good did it do if the feeling wasn’t mutual?

_ Use your brain, Keiji,  _ Akaashi told himself, _ if he doesn’t like you back, so be it. Don’t be so dumb as to chase after such a far-fetched dream. _ Akaashi thought back to all his sleepless nights, and the lunches he’d spent pondering over the issue instead of eating. As intelligent as Akaashi was, he wanted to linger around, and pretend he didn’t know. Pretend he didn’t know that he’d been rejected in front of so many students in the worst way possible. 

It was dumb, stupid, moronic even, to think he could delude himself into believing that, so he didn’t. Instead, Akaashi blinked in understanding. 

After all, he had known since day one; he was loveless, unlovable, and completely undeserving of any form of affection or kindness. Be it in the form of friendship or kinship, or even relationships...and it didn’t matter that when his eyes lay upon a certain boy, his heart filled with hope. It didn’t matter that he’d harboured a crush on that same boy for so long. 

What mattered was that he knew that he was hated by life itself, and nothing, not a change of grades or one of the most popular boys in school, was going to change that.

  
  



End file.
